


Dazed and Confused

by Letsplaysomethingdifferent



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Childhood Memories, Love, M/M, Memories, Recovered Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 02:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7080892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Letsplaysomethingdifferent/pseuds/Letsplaysomethingdifferent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle of the airport, Steve and Bucky are in the quinjet on their way to siberia.<br/>This is what "happened" when they were alone for hours. </p><p>LET'S PRETEND STARON NEVER HAPPENED.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dazed and Confused

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Dazed and Confused" by Led Zeppelin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdcsR0YaOE8 )
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr ( http://letsplaysomethingdifferent.tumblr.com )

They had left Germany an hour ago, leaving the battlefield and the others to their fate. Steve knew what was going to happen to them. He knew it perfectly. And right now, he couldn't care less.  
Steve engaged the automatic pilot and turned his seat toward the back of the quinjet. The sunset was quickly drowning the cockpit into darkness. Bucky was lying on one of the side benches, eyes closed and hands tucked under his head. His chest was slowly rising at the pace of his breathing. He seemed calm, for the first time since the World Exposition of Tomorrow. Steve went to sat on the bench on the opposite side. All he could ear was the noise of the engines. Almost nothing. There was nothing around them. They were truly alone.  
Steve couldn't believe Bucky was here, with him. It felt as if every passing seconds could take him away again. And Steve knew he would not be able to survive it. He had spent the last few years believing his best friend died because of him, the memory of his fall and scream haunting his nights, waking him up every time. But it was worse knowing he had been brainwashed and tortured and used as a war machine. Him, Bucky, the sweetest and most generous and courageous person he had ever known. Him, the best friend everyone wanted to have but who had always chosen Steve. The only one he had ever loved dearly.

« Steve. I can hear you. »

Steve jumped. Bucky’s eyes were still closed.

« I’m sorry I… I didn't mean to wake you up… »  
« I wasn't asleep. Just… thinking. »

Bucky suddenly sat, facing Steve. They stood like that, silent, for a few minutes before Bucky spoke again.

« Does it ring the bell for you if I say « retreat to the den»? It just keeps going on in my head and I can’t figure out what it means… »  
« Of course » Steve answered, trying to suppress a laugh. « When we were kids, we used to spend every moment possible together. Our family were living in the same building, yours on the fifth floor and mine on the third. There was always a lot of of people in your apartment, your parents and sisters when in mine it was just my mother and I. It was more quiet and we had made our kingdom in my room. We were always there, so much that it’s possible it smelled like an animal den. My mother named it. » he whispered.

Bucky stood still, his gazed focused on Steve.

« Your dad used to buy candies every Saturday, for us and your 3 sisters. He was always coming back around 3pm and would give the both of us a little bag and put those for your sisters on their pillows. We only had a few minutes before they would come back from their dance class so we would go into their room, take the bags and go to my room to eat them. But sometimes, you would also go to the kitchen and try to steal some biscuits and it happened that I would suddenly hear you scream « RETREAT TO THE DEN! » and we would run to it, because your mom or your sisters saw you. And then.. »  
« We would spend the afternoon eating and reading comics at your window. » Bucky continued with a shy smile.

Steve nodded.

« Was that what you were thinking about? »  
« No I… No. »

Bucky’s hand were clenched in fist, avoiding Steve’s gaze.

« You know you can tell me, ask me anything Buck. »  
« I do. It’s just that… sometimes there’s a flash, just a picture. I see things, I hear others. It’s like I’m back to Brooklyn again and then everything’s gone. It just leaves me with a strange feeling of emptiness. »

Bucky looked up to him again. He seemed dazed and confused.

« When I was in Romania, I always tried to go to the market. I loved it, it made me feel like I was almost normal. And I always bought plums because I knew they were attached to something. »  
« Your mom used to make the best plum pie of Brooklyn. »

Bucky smiled, his eyes filled with the ghost of a memory.

« The point is that those flash are always triggered by something. It comes and goes and when it goes, it’s like it’s for good. I can’t make them come back because it hurts to much. In the beginning, I spent hours trying to remember, I would scream and scream again… I learned to let them go away. There’s only a few things which stays. But… I have the impression to miss so much and to hurt you… »  
« Bucky, don’t say that… »  
« No Steve stop… Whatever I do I am hurting you I know it… You seem so eager that I remember but I. Fucking. Can’t. It would be better for you if I left. »

Steve jumped out of his seat, fear and anger rising in his chest, and went to kneel before Bucky, taking his hands in his own. They were rough and covered in scars, nothing like the smooth skin of the young boy from Brooklyn.

« Don’t ever say that again Buck. That would be worse if you left… I can't be alone again… Please… »  
« You are not alone, you have Sam and Natasha… God, you even have Tony! They could not stand to lose you. »  
« I DON’T CARE! » Steve screamed.

His eyes suddenly widened and he tried to remove his hand but Bucky tightened his grip.

_« Steve, please, promise me you won’t try to enlist again. It’s too dangerous. »_  
_« You know you can’t win the war without me Buck. »_  
_« I’m serious punk. You’re going to die there. You know it. »_  
_« I DON’T CARE » Steve screamed. « As long as I die next to you. » he whispered a few seconds later._  
_Bucky looked at the skinny little man, the man he loved more than anything in this damned world. He took his face between his hands and whispered:_  
_« I’m with you… »_

« …till the end of the line, love. »

And Steve broke down in tears. He cried for a long time, his arms tangled in Bucky’s shirt and his head resting on his shoulder.

« You remember. » He finally said, his voice low and weak.

Bucky took his head between his hands and locked their gazes.

« You were the first trigger Steve. On the helicarier. What you did and told me… I felt everything since that day.I was only able to put words on it when I saw you in my apartment but again, I could barely remember a thing. I wanted to… escape… but now I… »  
« Remember that night. »  
He nodded.

« So, » Steve continued « You… »

His sentence was abruptly cut by Bucky’s lips on his.

« I remember your naked body on the bed of the den and my tongue covering its entire surface. I remember the taste of your skin, a mix of sweat, sugar and desire. »

He stopped and bit Steve’s ear, sucking on the lobe. Steve closed his eyes, fighting the urge to tackle him to the ground and fuck him until they would both be too exhausted to move.

« I remember you moaning under my touch, begging me to make you come… »  
« Bucky… »  
« And you never stopped to whisper my name just like that, driving me totally crazy. »

They were facing each other again, their pupils completely dilated.

« You still do. »

There was nothing around them. They were truly alone and they had a few hours to make up for lost time.


End file.
